Spiritual Junkie + My Naughtiest Not PC Snapchats (Episode 6)

This Post Mentions My Yoni but Subtle-y Because I’m Spiritual

Hicks, Kahn, Kryon, Bashar, Bentinho, Teal and Tolle!

Like any truly dedicated spiritual junkie would be, I’ve been on a monk-like retreat in the misty mountains of Bhutan.

In my mind.

But in actuality, in Petroleum City.

And, like a spring butterfly I’m emerging from the cocooning stage of the next level of my spiritual evolution.

Here’s what I’ve spent too many hours studying along with my off-the-cuff findings …

Abraham-Hicks

Esther Hicks channels a spirit group entity that calls itself, “Abraham.”

Primary Premise: Follow the feel good and you’ll feel better.

Bliss is the answer.

AJ translation: chocolate.

Matt Kahn

Matt Kahn channels an inner connection with the Divine that doesn’t name itself but for whom Matty calls, “God.”

Primary Premise: We are here to learn how to love ourselves — including our negative or painful emotions — so we can love others and heal world.

Self-love is the answer.

AJ translation: Woohoo! I can continue hatin’ complainin’!

Kryon

Lee Carroll channels an entity somewhere just “above” his Higher Self. This being refers to itself as, “Kryon.”

Primary Premise: Haven’t quite figure this one out, but he oft refers to the audience as “Dear Ones.”

I forget the answer.

AJ translation: Sometimes, there simply is no damn answer!

Bashar

Daryl Anka channels a multidimensional being that refers to itself as “Bashar.”

Primary Premise: It’s all ok. I’m ok. You’re ok. Let’s self-empower and find ecstasy.

I’m pretty sure that’s his answer.

AJ translation: Recharge my vibrator?

Bentinho

Bentinho Massaro seems to channel himself. Maybe it’s his Higher Self, but essentially, he’s simply a 20-something hottie with a hotline to his Higher Power.

Primary Premise: We’re here to ascend the spiritual ladder. There are many rungs on this ladder. Wherever we are, there we are — and that’s just super.

There is no question, therefore no answer is needed.

AJ translation: … what? sorry, I was busy thinking about climbing Ben Baby’s ladder …

Teal & Tolle Recap

Teal Swan

Ms. Swan doesn’t so much as channel. Nope, she came directly from some other far away place to interact directly. It’s no wonder she’s got an edge like the rest of us.

Her primary premise is that we’re here to heal our childhood wounds.

Teal is sexy, swears and has a super cute giggle. She’s an ex pro skier. She speaks “spirituality” in laymen lingo with a lot of saltiness.

Self-Acceptance and “re-integration from fragmentation” is her answer.

AJ translation: WTF! Now, I’ve got a 15 year old me and a five year old Mini-Me following me around in my head looking to re-integrate. #groupies #neveralone #craycray

Eckhart Tolle

Tolle doesn’t channel anyone, not even his “self.” He’s just a dude who had a breakdown that lead to a break through. He slouches (evidence of excessive reading not tech addiction), does not swear, and has an odd but contagious laugh. (If one could call it that.)

His premise is that the human “ego” and “pain-body” cause addictive thinking and judging and this nasty combo causes most of all human suffering. I thought about it and he’s right.

It’s our ego’s rampant thoughts that keep asking these [silly] questions.

That’s his answer.

AJ translation: Super, my ego and pain body can keep 15 year old me and Mini-Me company. They can sort it out while I eat chocolate. #mytribe

So What?

Exactly! “So what!”

That is the answer!

If I was as quick to catch on as you, I’d have saved myself hundreds (1000s?) of hours reading psychology and spirituality books and watching similarly themed YouTube videos.

Things I Could’ve Done Instead of Spiritual Junkie Obsessing

Meet new people and get triggered by the unique expression of their humanness.
Sleep or lounge in bed. I really like being in bed. Like, I could totally hole up in bed for days if my nightstand was filled with the necessities: ballpoint pen and blank page journals, dark organic chocolate, organic bamboo baby wipes #hygienepeople, a plaque pick (yes, for teeth), essential oil diffuser (with Cheer Up Buttercup blend), nature sounds (birds, babbling brook, heavy rain), a small vibrator (in case I have neck pain *sideways glance*), coconut water, Thrive (I really love my supplements), tweezers and a magnifying mirror, and my iPad mini, but NO WIFI. That should do it.
Learn how to knit with my toes?
Write. MoFos, this one is real. I could’ve written a book or two with all those spiritual junkie hours I invested. (Maybe there’s still time. Though, Eck says, “Time is an illusion.” WTF?)
Shave my legs et al. once in awhile. #sasquatchsnatch #neglectedsinceJan1 #growingapelt #petme #chiachick #60srevival #backinstyle #dothedrapesmatchtherug #takingupknitting

What have I re-learned?

Love.
Let others be.
Be me! (All of the me’s.)
Matter is mostly nothing. #emptyspace #energyiseverything
Nothing matters.

Bottom line: We’re all right where we’re meant to be. (All the gurus agree on this point.)

Spiritual Junkie Homework:

Love self “as is where is.”
Love others “as is where is.”
Smile more “as is where is.”
Stress less “as is where is.”
Go outside and play, wherever I is.

This post was kinda serious ish, so now here’s some not-so-spiritually-serious not-PC naughty snapchats.

Here’s a link to a long-ass Matt Kahn video about soulmates and twin flames that explains why I haven’t needed to have smoothly groomed gams because I haven’t been attracted to anyone in eons — even though an eon is an illusion, a fricken “construct of our imagination.”

Also, I created another damn Facebook page for “this me.” If you follow/like this page make sure to adjust your settings to “see first” (see screenshot) otherwise, Facecrack won’t show you my shit in your feed.